Glossary of Essential Tools for Land Rover Owners
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic’s Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and Land Rover clothing.
Electric hand drill: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer searing welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to make round again..
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
Wire Wheel Grinder Attachment: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard‑earned guitar calluses in the amount of time it takes you to say, "EEK...."
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering your Rover to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
Douglas Fir 4x4x8: Used for levering a Rover upward off a hydraulic jack.
Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
Cell phone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog‑doo off your boot.
E‑Z Out Bolt Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on pulleys.
Two-ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you have forgotten to disconnect before lifting.
CRAFTSMAN ˝ x 12” Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought..
Aviation Snips: See hacksaw.
Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Also used in as source of warmth for thickened oil in winter; usually fails due to problems identified by battery electrolyte tester.
Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old‑style paper‑and‑tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to hollow out Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal‑burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago with a larger compressor and then rounds them off.
Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
[Inspired by BATANS, the British Auto Touring Association of Nova Scotia].
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