[Peter Egan of Road & Track, easily one of the finest contemporary automobile writers, created a sports car quiz many years ago. I've adapted it for Land Rovers - ed.]
Rules: Based upon your answers, tally up the total of all your answers. Any SUV earning fewer than 100 points should be put up for sale immediately. Any SUV earning more than 100 points should be gazed upon in awe and enjoyed daily. 1. If your SUV's overall design can be credited by naming a few men whose vision proved transcendent, give yourself 50 points. If you don't know the name of the designer or engineer who created your car, deduct 100 points. 2. If you feel compelled, at the time of purchase, to purchase an arcane, 300-page Factory Repair Manual, give yourself 25 points. 3. Fifteen points if your used car came with a useful tool kit, or fifteen points if you purchased a useful tool kit upon purchasing your new car. 4. Add 25 points if you felt compelled to purchase off road recovery equipment, e.g., winch, hi-lift jack, tow strap, after buying your new or used SUV. 5. Deduct 25 points if the recovery equipment is still shiny or clean. 6. Deduct 50 points if the recovery equipment is clean AND you've waited until you're stuck to ask how to use it. 7. Add 10 points if you determined that the standard tires that came with your SUV were too quiet and you purchased a noisier, more aggressive tread instead. 8. If you died suddenly and no one would be able to start your car and keep it running without prior instructions, then give yourself 75 points 9. Deduct 200 points if your SUV has any of the following: non-removable running boards, lights mounted on or under the front bumper, chrome wheels, decals on the hood, a neon strip along the sills, gold-colored trim pieces. 10. Add 50 points if the letters Tdi are stamped on the engine. 11. Award yourself 200 points if the car if British. You deserve it.
12. If replacing the clutch requires pulling the engine and the transmission, award yourself 25 points. Add another 25 points if you must also remove 700 corroded nuts and bolts holding the floors and seatbox to the car. 13. If you would rather contemplate suicide than completing a second rebuild of your gearbox, add 100 points, 14. Seventy five points for any SUV whose ride characteristics, noise and heat (in summer) or cold (in winter) motivates riders to request "no need to go all the way. Just let me off here." 15. If adjusting the valves requires you to memorize mathematical "Tables of 9" such that you contemplate selling the car rather than adjusting the valves, add 25 points. If you must travel more than 100 miles to secure warranty service, add 15 points. 16. Give yourself 30 points if your car cannot be located in a tax book when you go to register your call. Add an additional 15 points if your insurance agent cannot find your model or year of car listed in their directories and if the car/year is still wrong when you finally receive a copy of your policy. 17. Deduct 500 points if your SUV does not require a gas guzzler tax payment because it weighs so much it's considered a "truck" by the NHTB. Then write a letter to AM asking what they were thinking when they created such a ridiculous vehicle, and to GM asking why they chose to buy Hummer, and to the Chinese manufacturers who chose not to buy Hummer. 18. Add 25 points if your Factory Repair Manual considers oil consumption of 500 miles a quart in "older engines" reasonable. Give yourself another 15 points if "decoking the head" is considered routine when replacing a head gasket. 19. Add 20 points if you had to rewire the rear lamps through the frame. Add 15 points if you had to rewire the engine compartment yourself. If you received points for the latter and never carry a fire extinguisher, add 50 points for hubris. 20. Add 15 points if your car can be repaired in the field through a "liquid tool box," such as WD-40, liquid electrical tape, Castrol or Girling brake fluid, 80-90 weight gear oil, starting ether, Gumout carb cleaner. 21. If you come out of a movie theater or mall store and try and put your key into the lock of a car that looks just likeyours, then subtract 500 points.
If you've taken and carry with you photos of your SUV, add 50 points
If your photos are larger, or mounted in a more prominent place, than that of your spouse, significant other or children, then add another 50 points.
If you haven't taken any pictures because your hands are too dirty from maintenance or repairs to handle the camera, give yourself the 100 points anyway.
"The Land Rover is not a vehicle, it's a way of life."