Behind the Steering Wheel [Courtesy Rovers North News, January 2009]
By Jeffrey B. Aronson
Every decade or so I manage to complete the fall/winter oil change, lube job and ignition tune-up before the first snowfall. This year, in an effort to get ahead of the weather curve I purchased a cheap grease gun and cartridge. At home I attempted to neatly insert the cartridge into the grease gun. I failed miserably and found the cartridge discharging inside the gun, making a huge mess. The resulting untidiness wound up in a garbage bag at the dump and I purchased a higher quality item.
So I empathized with astronaut Heidimarie Stefanyshyn-Piper when she experienced a grease gun accident inside her toolbox during a spacewalk. Newspaper accounts reported that “her grease gun exploded, getting the dark grey stuff all over a camera and her gloves. While wiping off her gloves, the white, backpack-size bag slipped out of her grip.” It drifted away in space. Then, of course, she lost all her tools.
"Oh, great," she mumbled.
The story intrigued me. First, when my cold greasy hands could not screw the grease gun back together and a big mess ensued, I did not mumble “Oh, great.” What I actually said cannot be printed in this magazine.
The spacewalk assignment was to lubricate a baulky solar panel hinge. "‘Despite my little hiccup, or major hiccup, I think we did a good job out there,’ Ms Stefanyshyn-Piper said after returning to the space station.” That may be so, although the two required 6 hours and 52 minutes to complete what was a largely a grease job. Even the most rapacious service department would have a hard time justifying that charge.
When her tool bag floated away, she was able to complete the job because astronaut Stephen Bowen shared his tools with her. This stunned me. Astronauts share tools? Even mechanics hesitate to loan tools to other mechanics! Sharing tools with another enthusiast is right up there with sharing toothbrushes with your significant other or spouse. Anyone who has found themselves with three ½” sockets knows that some of them migrated from someone else’s toolbox.
NASA estimated that the lost tool bag cost “about $100,000.” Astronaut Bowen’s tool bag included “another grease gun, putty knife and oven-like terry cloth mitts to wipe away metal grit.” I’m sure there were a few more items, but at this price, it certainly makes me want to try for the space agency tool contract. I stared at the three drawers of the toolbox I keep in the QE I and the tool bag of the QM I. If both were lost or stolen I’d have a hard time getting my insurance company to agree on a $100,000 valuation.
Oh yes, the spacewalkers spotted a screw floating by, but were too far away to catch it. "I have no idea where it came from," Ms Stefanyshyn-Piper told Mission Control. I admire her aplomb. The thought of an extra screw appearing after the completion of a repair terrifies me; it’s a sure sign of a botched job. No wonder I could never be an astronaut.
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Whenever I change the oil and filter on either Land Rover I also check the fluid levels in the transmission, transfer case, overdrive, front and rear axles, swivel balls and steering box. It’s very telling that the latter items - professionally replaced on the QE I by East Coast Rover with Genuine Parts from Rovers North – don’t leak and don’t require topping up. On the other hand the transmission that I rebuilt myself and the transfer case and axles that I’ve ignored, always require topping up. The Fairey overdrive does not leak, despite the fact I installed it myself.
Contemporary cars and trucks just don’t use the amount hypoid as my Rovers; the local garagiste finally said “get your own” when I asked to purchase 20-30 pumps from his depleted supply pail. So this Christmas Santa brought me my very own bucket and hand pump. Feeling flush with the good stuff I decided to consider changing out the fluids rather than just pumping fresh oil into gunk. Hypoid looks like amber maple syrup, or bitter ale, when new; after considerable time in the differentials of my Rover, it looks like molasses, or black and tan. While the transmission hypoid looked pretty clean when drained down my arm and into a pan, the differential fluids looked as black as abused motor oil.
A Rover will travel a considerable distance without hypoid oil lubricating critical drivetrain components, but don’t try this at home. One time the drain plug on my overdrive fell off somewhere during the 270 miles trip from Caribou and Kennebunk, ME. You could roast a turkey on the heat of the overdrive case when I stopped for fuel, but the components still turned [it was pronounced DOA when the unit was shipped to Rovers North for rebuilding]. “Blue” is not a favorite color for gears.
Gear oil stinks, ruins your clothing and won’t wash off easily, so lubrication is one of those often-avoided maintenance chores. If your cars don’t leak consider synthetic alternatives or the fluid grease sachets used on Defender, Range Rover Classic and Discoverys. Whichever compound you prefer, it’s worth topping it up or, better yet, changing it out regularly.
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Before “Cool Britannia,” there was “England Swings.” A hallmark of this time was the wry understatement of British humor. It made as much of an impact as British music and trendy clothing (well, miniskirts did capture my attention first). Self-deprecating humor found its way into automotive advertising and the Rover Company showed up with a wonderful series of ads here and at home (thanks, too, to VW).
One ad entitled, “The Land-Rover and Crime,” touted the vehicle “preferred by the police of 37 countries and the bandits of at least 1.” It celebrated the advantages of Land Rovers to the elite of the bank robber community. The 1963 Great Train Robbery [£2,500,000 or $7,000,000] “brought the title back to England.” The ad claimed that “the Land-Rovers were given the arduous getaway assignment not only for their rugged dependability, but for the capacious rear door, as well. Bank notes in excess of so many tend to be cumbersome. When you are trying to on-load literally bags and bags of the stuff you simply haven’t got the time to aim nicely; it’s not like darts.”
The advertising came back to mind when Malaysian police investigated a robbery last October. The thieves’ chosen transportation, a stolen 1.0 liter Perodua Kelisa, could only hold $524,000 of the $1.3 million taken from a security van. A police official labeled the perps “stupid” for choosing such a “ridiculous vehicle” for their getaway car. Good thing they didn’t have a Land Rover.
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There Will Always Be an England Department:
It was a Monty Python moment. As part of the political “devolution” movement in the UK, the Welsh have all traffic signs in English translated into Welsh. So a sign in English that read “No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site entry only” was sent via email to the Ministry of Other Languages so it could be painted with words in Welsh. However apparently no one at the sign shop read Welsh.
The result certainly puzzled drivers; the new Welsh sign read “Dwi mo i mewn 'r swydd am 'r amrantun. Anfon unrhyw gweithia at bod cyfieithedig at ___ ".
Translate that back into English and the sign read "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated to ___".
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Sonim, a US-based cellphone company, has just announced that they will create three different Land Rover branded cellphones in over 40 countries. According to their press release, the Land Rover mobile phones will be “submersible, Bluetooth-compliant and certified to withstand salt, fog, humidity, transport and thermal shock and a 1.6-metre drop to concrete from any angle.” In a nod to green technology, the phones packaging forms a long-lasting re-useable rugged water resistant protective case. This is made from XENOY, a revolutionary post-consumer plastic derived mostly from used plastic bottles and film.
As world travelers know, most US-enabled cellphones don’t work outside of North America; that’s because we have yet to adopt cellular signals standards applicable in the rest of the world. Nevertheless, Land Rover and Sonim claim to be “thrilled about the opportunity to further connect with global adventurers through durable phones and this truly breakthrough form of packaging.”
A cellphone has been a handy accessory in my Series II-A, although cellular service in much of northern New England falls below that of sub-Saharan Africa. There’s a reason that Verizon, which started out in New England, created a cellphone ad campaign asking “Can you hear me now?” The answer around here is generally, “No.”
A Land Rover phone that is “submersible” could be helpful during river crossing – old door seals, you see – or just during major rain and snow storms. “Salt, fog, and humidity” are standard fare weatherwise. However, the only “Bluetooth” I confront is the color of my lips and teeth in the winter while waiting for the Rover to produce heat.
So this new phone might appeal to Range Rover and Discovery/LR3 owners, but what a Series owner really needs in a cellphone is superb sound transmission and reception quality. I know that safety concerns [and some state laws] dictate that you pull over when talking on a celllphone; as a Series owner, though, it’s a necessity because you can’t be heard over the combined engine noise, gear whine, wind rush and banging about of cargo. As for hands-free systems, well, you try screaming in a Series Rover at 60 mph. See if you can be heard.
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The complexity of contemporary automobiles continues unabated. As the New York Times wrote, “the car has become a cocoon of connectivity, entertainment and convenience, with Internet hookups in the dashboard, DVD players in headrests and refrigerators in the console.” I’m still working on an interior light!
“Customers are expecting their vehicles to keep up with what’s going on in their homes, whether it’s computers, audio equipment or even home theaters,” said Jim Buczkowski, head of electronic systems engineering for the Ford Motor Company. As an example, this year there are 257 models of automobiles that connect with an iPod; 260 car models come with optional satellite radios. Hmm..my Series Rovers don’t even have radios.
Natalie Neff, AutoWeek’s road test editor, wrote a hysterical piece about her efforts to get the Sync in a Ford to talk to her iPod. She noted that “no matter what accent I assumed, no matter how correctly or bizarrely I pronounced the band’s name, no matter how clever were my attempts to get it to recognize my request, Sync stymied me.” I know just how she feels. Whenever I yell at my Land Rover, it doesn’t listen to me, either.
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As we go to press the fate of the US “Big Three” still seems precarious. Globally, automobile manufacturers face considerable challenges and many have turned to their home governments for assistance.
Land Rover and Jaguar are not immune to these trends. For Christmas 2008 around 850 staffers in engineering and IT, in Solihull, Gaydon, Castle Bromwich and Whitley lost their positions. This represents about 50% of those service agencies. The Solihull plant will close down for three weeks around Christmas and New Years to reduce vehicle inventory.
Copyright 2009, Jeffrey Aronson and Rovers North
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